Long time no blog!!
Well howdy bloggers. I'm dreadfully sorry that it's been so long since I've blogged, I suppose the world and all the encompasses it has kept me bogged down for awhile. I found some much needed solitude today, as I have the day off; to write to all you lovely folks out in the internet world. I've had a crazy several months, with work, family changes, and some life changes.
Work has been wonderful. It's been an amazing 3 months since I started working there; and yet it seems like just yesterday when Kyle e-mailed me to come in and meet with him. I've gotten close to several of my co-workers; especially the other host Haley. We clicked as friends almost immediately while I was training, and I'm very grateful that God allowed me the opportunity to be placed as a hostess at Lonesome Dove. The way Haley and I click reminds me greatly as to when I met Nicole. It's crazy how God puts people in your life for the long run, and you are also able to understand what people he put in your life to only help you for a time. As I've been working at Lonesome Dove, I've realized how much I strayed from my dreams, and what I believe, and have been finding comfort in the word again and not trying to find comfort in men, and instead lean on the one person who has helped me through Hell and back. Yes, I want to share my life with a man, but I want him to love me second, and for God to be first in his life. That's been my issue...I keep finding men who need to be helped and aren't where God wants them to be, and I ALWAYS think I can change them. In the three months I've been at Lonesome...I've found my way back to God...and still managed to keep those that God wants in my life...to be a part of it. I know who are positive influences on me and who were only there when they needed something from me, or who knew they could bring me down. I don't want negative people in my life anymore...I want only those who are positive and will help me to become who I am meant to be. I pray to God that those people know who they are, as I do NOT want to mention names on here, because some people I thought were lifelong friends...I was wrong...
Family changes...what I mean by that is that I've gotten much closer with some family members that I was once not close to at all. I'm so very thankful for the opportunity to have started Bible study with my aunt, cousins, mom and sister; even if for right now it has been put on hold, with other circumstances that have come up. With just the couple meetings we had, my cousin Sara and I became much closer and I thank God everyday for the chance to become closer to her and be able to count on her, not only as my cousin but as a sister in Christ. I know for a lot of you this post will seem very different from the others, but my faith in God has always been a part of my life, but I fell away; like most do when they are put into the real world that we all so yearned to be a part of. I now know why my mom always told me to enjoy being a kid when I was one, because the grown up world...just blows. Haha. More family changes...my cousin Grant got married to his best friend/soul mate on July 20th. It was a beautiful wedding and I was so grateful and happy that I was able to be there to witness them join their lives together and live for God together. I cried as I watched, not in sadness but in pure joy at the sight of Ashley and Grant, pledging to love each other for as long as the both live. I gained yet another cousin and she is just as amazing as the first I gained back in 2008(that being Sara). The biggest family change, is that I now have a stepfather. Yep folks, ya read correctly. I have a stepfather, and I honestly couldn't be any happier about this new addition; mainly because he is someone my family has known my entire life. Yep, God brought Gordon and my mom together back on June 16th and a friend(now cousins) baby shower that I was not able to go to. They saw each other then began talking and it was all God's timing. Mom and Gordon clicked, and acted like they were teenagers in love; and yet...I've never seen my mama any happier than I've seen her over the past month and couple of days. With this new addition; however it meant that mama would be moving away to Tennessee, which scared me at first, because I had gotten so used to having her so close by...able to see her anytime I needed her...which the more I think about it now...I think God is getting me ready for moving away...which I will get to in a bit. I wasn't able to be there for the wedding which stung, but my sister and I are not the only children...Gordon also has a son and daughter, so I have gained a step sister and brother...that I know I'll actually have a relationship with...which can not be said for my dad and his wife and their family. I'm very much looking forward to meeting Justin, who lives in San Antonio at the moment and is a Lt, in the Air force ( I believe) and he will either be going to Germany or Hawaii in a couple years. Then there is Julie, and she is in school to become a Vet Tech for large animals like horses; which is very cool. I have been able to work through so many emotions since first hearing the news that mama was getting married, and I'm now...looking forward to any moment I get to spend with mama, Gordon, and my new family members. The family I have gained is a family that I have thought of as part of our family since I was young enough to remember. The Baird clan is now part of our family and we a part of theirs and I count my blessings that we can finally truly call each other family.
Now onto life changes. Anyone that is close to me, knows my love/obsession with Ireland and anything having to do with Celtic heritage. Over the past three years I have felt a major pull towards Ireland, like a voice in my head telling me, that THAT is where I'm meant to be. I'm not sure if it's all in my head, if it's imagination, or if it's God telling me to put my faith in him and he will provide a way. I've been lacking on that front...I've always believed in the power of prayer, and have seen prayers come true; yet when it comes to handing everything over to God...for him to take the reigns on my life...I waiver...I give in to the human instinct to dig my heals in and think I CAN DO THIS. I don't NEED you to do this. I'm strong enough...blah blah blah. It's all scuse me BULL SHIT. Everything in my life has been a learning experience and has helped mold me in the young woman I am today. To help guide me down the paths that God wants me to follow. I've been so dang afraid to let the reigns over to him, to let him show me what to do, because I'm afraid that what I want...is truly what GOD WANTS, and I feel like it's almost too good to be true and that I could be dreaming. See the Bible study that we women were/are doing is called "So Long Insecurity" and it would seem that ever since we started my insecurities have been rearing their blood thirst heads to try and pull me back down. It's not an easy fight...but as long as I now that God is beside me..I can do it. Crazy right? Back to what I was saying about having my mom move away, and also have my closest friends not be in the same state as me; maybe God is teaching me to be stronger and to lean on him more. That I can survive without having those I love most close by. The first lesson was when Ashley and I became so close and she lives in Idaho. Then came the BIG one with Nicole going into the Navy. We literally saw each other every day for the last week she was here, and spend nearly all our spare time together. It was a difficult transition but we still talk when we can, we are still close, and we can still count on each other. Distance is only difficult if you make it that way. With mama moving to Tennessee, that was a doosie I must say. I had a difficult time at first but after speaking to mama about how I was feeling and truly taking myself out of it...and seeing the situation from the outside I was able to see it differently. I was able to see all the good and how wonderful it all was and that it truly was all God's timing. I've never been one to THRUST my love of Christ in peoples faces, I hope that none of you are sitting here reading this thinking,"Oh Tiffany, that's EXACTLY what you are doing now." I'd have to disagree, I'm simply letting you all know that for me, that this has been an eye opening 3 months...that I'm determined to let God show me what to do...and whatever it may be, I'll follow wherever he leads me. My best friend Nicole has always been a strong supporter of whatever I've wanted to do...she's always been there...and even though we've only been friends for a little over a year, I know that she and I...no matter how far apart we are...we will always have time for each other...and will be there to listen to what is going on in each others lives. Even if I'm all the way in Ireland...or Tennessee...or even Georgia...while she is in Florida we will ALWAYS be friends. I can NOT shake the feeling that God is calling me to Ireland for school, to finish my education there...to show his love through all that I do...even if I end up at an Irish pub or two...which I'm sure will happen if I go.
Oh then there is also, the man front. Well as I was in love with a young man...who simply was not/is not ready for a real commitment..and as he doesn't really know what he wants out of life...and needs help...I realized I needed to let him go, and simply be his friend. Which surprisingly was easier than I thought it would be. I have seen with my mama and Grant that everything is God's timing, and decided to work on myself, and to also join a dating website. GASP! haha. Yeppers. I joined Eharmony and I did so with THAT site, because it worked so well for Grant and Ashley. Yeppers, you read that correctly also. They met through Eharmony and found love. I know it won't be a fast process, and that God will put the man I'm meant to be with in my life when he knows I'm ready, and when I least expect it. The truth of the matter is, how can I expect someone to love me, when I'm still in the process of healing and loving who I am? Once I'm there, I know that God will provide me with the man of my dreams and who will be the provider of the family. I'm determined to keep my eyes on the POSITIVE big picture.
I know this is a long post, and it's more of a vent session, but all of this has been on my heart lately and I needed to let it out. I don't want to be a negative Nancy, a Debbie downer or get depressed over all this. Like I told my best friend Nicole, this is ALL just a big learning experience that will help me grow into the woman I'm meant to be. To help mold me and make me into who I am meant to be. Once I was able to realize that...and honestly...I realized it today.. after talking to a couple friends...I'm a bit more calm...and collected. I guess you could say my Neverland and Wonderland would be Ireland...it's where I think I would be happiest...and where I will become who I'm meant to. I'm beyond ready to fall down the rabbit hole and see what is beyond here. :) I'm ready to fly away and see what else the world has to offer me. :)
If you made it all the way through this entry thank you for taking time to read it, I appreciate it. I hope you all have a blessed day and remainder of the week.
With Love,
Tiffany Leigh
