Writing is easier...

Two days in a row bloggers you should feel lucky.

I'm on the lovely blog again because I'm in dire need of getting some items off my chest; and I've always believed that a blog is somewhat like a journal. Sure, journals are for yourself, but for me, if I can't admit things to myself then how in the WORLD am I going to admit them to people I love and don't want to hurt? So, this entry is going to be a somewhat confessional, mainly because writing...it's always been easier for me. Letting my words come out on paper or computer has always been an easier way for me to express myself than with speaking them. With that being said, I know actions are louder than words so this is going to be a milestone action. 

I don't like admitting my faults and the traits I dislike about myself, however if I don't admit these faults and accept them how will I ever move forward and not keep making the same idiotic choices? I won't, that's the simple answer. The people in my life right now, the friends I have, that God has blessed me with are the people that matter most to me, besides my family. Mainly because I consider them family, so why would I hurt them with misunderstandings and not listening to the advice they give me; especially when the advice is on the money. A four letter word that always has a tendency to pull me by my hair. Fear. I succumb to fear and in the end losing these people is more terrifying than fear itself. Again I ask, why would I make the stupid decisions I make? Believe things happened when they didn't, will them to be true, even though they aren't? That's the questions I've been tossing back and forth in my head. Is it because it would make me happy if they played out that way, then I'd be free of the feelings and be able to FINALLY move on with my life and let this love go and not get sucked back in? Able to live the life I so desperately want to live without loving him anymore? Able to be in a room with this person and not want him? I honestly believe all those facts to be true. 

My life has been a roller coaster due to the choices I've made, and I have no one to blame but myself for that, and I will fully admit to that. I wouldn't be in the positions I've been in if I had used my brain and been stronger. If my insecurities that don't come from God were so persistent. I'm strong, I know I'm strong, but I'm also weak. Admitting when I'm wrong and admitting when I've made a mistake is the first steps. I want so badly to start the life I know I'm meant to live now, and yet I can't. The life I want to live is in Ireland, and I feel as though it's waiting for me. Sure it's an easy way to get away from the love I feel and will always feel for a young man, but putting distance between us may be what I need most. Sure, you may say, "You're running away." Maybe I am with him...but doing what is BEST for me is what's important. I know loving him has done nothing but bring heart ache and problems, that is something I have always been able to admit, the only issue is he knows what to say to bring me back. The apologies, the holding me close, being sweet...it's all a game, and not real. I know that...yet when it's happening I'm not as smart. I'm weak when it comes to him. I don't know if I'm still IN LOVE with him, but I still love him greatly and that is a problem. Being led on for a year, being led to believe over and over there MIGHT be a chance then to have that chance crushed right in front of me...I'm not emotionally strong enough to handle it. I don't want to tell a lie again, I don't want to believe I've had a conversation with someone when I haven't, I don't want to keep giving in. My heart, can NOT handle it, my emotions can NOT handle it. I do not want to feel weak any longer. I don't want to have to depend on the advice of others to keep me from falling. I want to be able to stand strong on my own. 

When life throws me a curve, that's usually when I tend to make a mistake, give in, do something I know I shouldn't. It's isn't every time, but when life is stressful, and I'm feeling lost, alone and confused...not finding comfort in my Bible...but trying to find comfort in earthly things. I've been doing better, I truly have but I don't want to keep making mistakes. I want to be the strong women I know I am all the time. I know that I can, and I have to make the right choices and decisions to be sure to stay on the right track. So with that all being said, I'm going to do everything I need to do to make Ireland my reality. I'm going to be sure NEVER lie, or believe a dream is reality again. I will cut out anyone who brings me down. I will only be FRIENDS with this young man I've been talking about; only hanging out with him when I KNOW in my heart I am strong enough to only be friends and not want to be more. I've come a long way, however I don't want to ever lose anyone because of my stupid choices or decisions. 

I"m going to share a piece I wrote back in March for my counselor on my writing blog about this man I was in love with for nearly a year and half. I let go of some of the love, but I need to let it all go if I'm ever going to move one completely. I was broken...and had to pick up the pieces on my own...and I don't want to ever be back in that position again.So in another step of moving forward I'm going to share this non-fiction piece in hopes it will be another step in the right direction.

And finally I want to ask for patience and forgiveness from anyone I've ever hurt with the choices I've made. I'm not proud of the choices I've made in the past, but I am owning up to them. I'm not perfect and I'm desperately trying to stay on the right track. Forgiveness is not easy to give and I know that; it is for me, but I understand it's not for others. I know I may be asking for a lot, but please, be patient with me and I know I don't have the right to ask for forgiveness but I'm asking anyway. 

This was not easy to write but needed to be written. 

Tiffany Leigh

Realty or Dream

Well hello bloggers. It's been awhile and life has yet again changed.

I'll get into the major change in a different post, mainly because this post is for a purpose all of on it's own.

I have a simple question for my readers. Do you ever mistake a dream you've had for reality? Have you ever dreamt of something and believed it to be true? 

I've had said moment and in doing so have put my foot in my mouth. I suppose I'd written out the conversation that took place in said dream enough times that when I dreamt it, it felt as though I finally had the gall to say the words I'd been wanting to say for nearly a year. I hate mistaking something that felt real for something that was only in my head. I look like a liar, the person I told said conversation to looks like a liar, AND I feel as though I'm back at the starting line. Back at the treasure map staring at the god for saken "X". 

My dreams have for as long as I can remember felt like I was living in that moment, and when I wake I have to sit and think,"wait, real or dream?" I suppose with this one dream I was so damn caught up in the moment that I believed it to be real and not dream because I wanted it to be damn true. The only problem is instead of keeping my mouth shut until I realized, DREAM, I involved someone who has ALWAYS had my back and now I look like I lied. I HATE looking that way because I never meant to look that way. I HONESTLY believed it was real and that this conversation went well. Looking at the whole situation now, I know there is NO WAY that it could have gone as well as I said it did. My brain should have screamed at me, "SHUT THE HECK UP! KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED!" Yet the words escaped through my fingers and onto the phone and the send button was pushed. It honestly wasn't until she sent me a text a couple hours later stating, "*name of person here* said yall didn't talk...." that my brain went, "DUH!" I literally looked at the screen in horror thinking, "What the hell did I do? We didn't talk...well shit, I dreamt the WHOLE thing." I literally felt like I had been kicked with a steel toe boot to the gut. 

I want my best friend to know, I am sorry for this whole misunderstanding that I caused with not thinking hard before mentioning this conversation. It was my fault and I want to make it right. 

My dreams need to cease and desist with feeling like I'm in reality. I wouldn't feel like a liar, and I wouldn't have another lesson to be learned with thinking. Obviously I needed it, but still. I think I understand now. Think before ANY actions no matter what. 

Tiffany Leigh 

2014. The Best Year of my life YET!

Howdy y'all! 'Ello lovelies!

Welp, I hadn't planned on waiting so long to update y'all on my hectic life, however my life got a little....hectic. 

I do hope y'all have had a pleasant start to 2014 and have taken each new turn with stride. 

Let me start by stating that I've stayed on course with my last post quite well, and haven't had any relapses back into that lifestyle.  Which is a God send. I will not say it hasn't been a difficult journey to stay on the path provided before me, however I'm much more determined to be the woman God wants me to become. I've always seen in articles that your twenties are truly the time for you to determine who you are, and what you are meant to do with your life. Finding your passions and going down the path to fulfilling your dreams, and I NEVER understood or agreed until now. I'm 27, and will be 28 in April, and I will not lie when I say that I thought my life would be much different than it is now. I thought I'd be finished with school, with the man God has provided for me, and starting a family. Well, God obviously knew better than to allow that to happen. 

The phrase, "Everything happens for a reason"...absolutely used to get on my last nerve. I didn't...couldn't understand it because I'd fallen so far from whom I was created to be that I was closed off to anything that anyone had to say to me having to do with faith. Sure, I'd seem open to it just to appease people, but in the end...I was so buried in the life I had created...that I couldn't allow myself to find the comfort in the words. In times of despair and loss, that phrase..is despised by many because it is simply not what one wants to hear when they are in a hard spot, or dealing with the death/loss of someone they love. However down the line, in the future when they have time to find solace in being alone in a room, or in a group of people the realization of the phrase may hit them like lightening striking a tree. The true meaning behind it will lighten your spirit and bring you an overwhelming sense of peace you've never known. I CAN say now without a shadow of a doubt that I live by this phrase. Again, I'm not saying it's going to be smooth sailing, I'll go over rough waters, unsure of where the waters will take me, but in the end, I KNOW it's in the Lord's hands and I am at peace with knowing that. MONTHS ago, I don't think you would've seen me type those words, but with all the counseling I've been receiving, I can now admit that I'm at a place in my life that is like a pirate searching for treasure. I'm on a journey, an adventure really. Following where the Lords map is leading me. Once again, this is not an easy journey,but anything in life worth having/doing is NEVER easy. Why, it wouldn't be worth it in the end if it were easy to accomplish. At the beginning of 2014 I had a job... a job that was an easy out for me...and I was no longer happy in the atmosphere. I was no longer comfortable being around people who wanted to waste their lives away with drugs and being drunker than ANYONE I'd ever seen. I'd been praying for months on what do to. What was it God wanted me to do. Stick it out and share my faith like I had been trying desperately to do? Quit? I was so unsure. Then on the 9th, of January I was terminated from said job, for a misunderstanding...

It hit my pride...my ego more than anything. I was upset to be FIRED but not upset about not being in THAT kind of atmosphere anymore. I was relieved...calm even about the whole prospect of not being employed there anymore. I knew God was up to something, I just again was unsure of what he was up to. 

I remember praying for God's will and for him to show me his will for what to do. Whatever it was he wanted me to do, I would do. A week after being fired I had a session with my counselor and I distinctly remember him saying to me, "Tiffany, this is the start of something big. This is a chance to change careers. Do you know of the book, "What color is your parachute?" I remember simply looking at him dumbfounded. I was utterly confused, and said, "No." He wrote the book title down and told me I should purchase it and read it. It's a book to help job-hunters and career changers, which was JUST the situation I had just found myself in. I'd also been discussing with him the possibility of going back to university and finishing my degrees. He has supported me on that route and pushed me to go to the university and speak to advisers to see what the next steps were for me to complete my basics/Associates so I then could transfer to a four year university to accomplish one of my goals. The gigantic fear that has followed me with my dreams was on my heels yet again. The little voice in my head was trying to awaken from it's slumber to push me down again into being that insecure young woman yet again. What was the outcome you may ask? Did I go and speak to the advisers? Should I keep you in suspense? The answer is......

Yes. The devil tried his hardest to keep my from going, putting obstacles in my way, and I refused to allow him to succeed. I've given in too many times, and I refuse to allow him to gain any control again on my journey. Anyways, after speaking to the advisers I found I only need a total of 5 courses to be finished with my core curriculum; furthermore I only need 14 credits to be finished with my Associates degree. I was in shock. I honestly thought I had more than that to be completed. For the first time in a LONG time I was able to see the light at the end of the university tunnel. I was excited to go on with the next steps, and yet afraid at the same time. Not the kind of afraid I had been used to feeling, this was a new feeling. I didn't want to fail...MYSELF! I've come so far in 5 months, becoming the strong young woman I always had a feeling I was, and I was on the journey toward my dreams. I was so close, and yet so far. The reality began to sink in....I was unemployed...I was in need of income...money for university...the worry began to creep in. A darkness that can overwhelm me in a mere matter of seconds. I felt it creep in and tried my hardest to put the worry away...to NOT take back what I had given to God.....I'd found a church home where they help keep me accountable...I found a gym where I was comfortable working out....I have bills to pay, a dog and myself to think of...the worries of the world...they would STAY in God's hands. I KNEW God would provide for me, he always has in the past and will continue to provide all the days of my life.

On the 17th of January, my papa had to go to the hospital for multiple health reasons, and my mom and dad(step dad) were in the process of moving back to Texas, and the worries of who would stay with my nana while our papa was in the hospital started to cave in around our family. Mom came back a day early and dad made his way here the day they had originally planned. The short of the story is, my papa has atrial fibrillation and he ended up having to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks; having to undergo 2 cardio versions, a tube ablation, and have a pacemaker put it before he was able to come back home. So for those two weeks, we were having to take turns staying with my nana, who has Parkinsons, and dementia. It has been a stressful 2 1/2 weeks to say the least, but God provided. With all of that being said, it was quite difficult of me to find the time to search for jobs, let along find comfort in writing; so I was at a stand still on the job hunt...unsure of where I was meant to apply and what I was meant to do. I pulled out my Bible and the book my counselor asked me to purchase and began to read and take notes. Praying for guidance...praying for God's provisions. On January 30th my mom had an interview with a company that one of her acquaintances had told her about. It was for an Administrative position for a Financial company, and she seemed excited about the prospect. Later that evening she came back to report back her "findings" of the company and she looked at me and said, "Tiff, I think God provided me with this interview so you could get an interview with them. One of the men goes to the same church as you, they are Godly men, and I think this would be perfect for you." I simply gazed at her with a blank stare I'm sure. What did she mean by that I thought. Was she losing her mind? She then asked me if I'd be interested, and if she could call them and tell them about me, and I said sure, what's the harm in that. The very next day I received a phone call from the company and set up an interview for Monday, February 3rd at 10 in the morning. So the following Monday I awoke, got ready and went to the interview. I felt very comfortable around the 2 men, even though I had the lingering remainder of a migraine during the interview process. They asked me to send them some references and they would get back with me. Two days later, I received a phone call from them saying they were going to go with someone within the company who had the experience, but they would keep my phone number if anything opened up and they would give me a call. I was devastated. I cried...I believed in my gut that THAT was where God had planned on me working. I shrugged it off after my quick cry and went back to work job hunting. The next day I had my session with my counselor and he asked me how the FASFA process was going for school.  I told him I was nearly finished with it, and he told me I need to get that completed so this year could be the best yet. I agreed and that evening I finished my FASFA. I'm telling you this back story to tell you this. Yesterday, I was helping my mom, dad, and grandparents, get my grandparents to a doctors appointment and was going to be heading to an interview with a Chevrolet dealership after we were finished. As we were driving to the doctors appointment, I checked my email and saw that my FASFA had been sent to Tarrant County College and now all I had to do was wait. I couldn't help but smile. Everything was slowly coming together, and it was ALL in Gods hands. Seconds later I was receiving a phone call from a phone number I couldn't recognize immediately, so I let it go to voicemail. Not thinking whoever it might be would leave me one, I felt my phone vibrate and my iPhone screen had a bubble that said "New Voicemail". I clicked the listen button and was taken aback. It was one of the gentleman from the company I interviewed with a week before. The woman they had hired didn't work out and they were offering me the position. I was shocked. I told my mom I needed her to listen to it because I was in so much shock I wasn't sure if I heard it right. I handed her the phone, and she squealed and handed me the phone and said, "CALL THEM BACK!!" We walked into the hospital for my grandparents appointment and I called them back.......and drum roll please.......

I HAVE THE JOB! I got my finger prints completed yesterday, the paperwork sent back to them, even though it took me nearly ALL day to accomplish that feat in itself. I start this new job on Monday, February 17th at 9 a.m. This job is truly a God send, and I realized when I came back to my grandparents the reason the timing wasn't right when I first went to the interview. I had spoken to my counselor a week prior to having the interview about going to university to finish and the fear of accomplishing that won over me finishing my FASFA. So in the end, I truly believe I didn't get it the first go around because I wasn't following in what God wanted me to do. Losing my job at the beginning of the year I believe was for a REASON! I believe that this timing, is GODS timing. It's finally time for me to complete my degrees and to continue on the road that God has provided for me. Following the rainbow to the pot of gold that is my dream. To write, teach, and help others find their passions. My ministry is sharing the trials that God has allowed me to overcome. To share my imagination and my knowledge with others. To teach others, and help them on their journey's toward their dreams. Possibly even opening a bookstore to showcase new writers and their journey to stardom. I've had several teachers/professors help me to find my passion for literature/writing, and even some movies help to realize my callings...it was just hard for me to open my eyes to truly see what my calling was. I was recalling my 7th-9th grade English teachers at Southwest Christian and how they pushed me to be better. It started with Mrs. Bartee in 7th grade, when she went out of her way to help me with grammar, and some other problems I was having when I missed 2 months of school due to having intense migraines. It didn't stop there either; she went on to push me to read extra books and to show me that literature could be fun. Then there was my 9th grade English teacher Mrs. Lozano, and she pushed me even harder than Mrs. Bartee. I understand NOW why they pushed me so hard. Teachers push their students because they want them to succeed and to enjoy what the literature has to share with us. Back then I didn't understand, or simply wasn't willing to understand what they were trying so earnestly to teach me. It didn't sink into my stubborn brain until 2009 when I was taking my English Composition class with Mrs. Barker my English professor. My passion for literature, writing, the creativity English entails was ignited like the Olympic flame. It burned inside of me and i wanted nothing more than to further my knowledge for literature and writing. 

So I want to send a thank you out to my English teachers past and those in the future. Thank you for helping me to find my calling, and causing me to have an unyielding love for literature and writing. I may not be the best writer, but as long as what I write touches ONE person, then I'll feel accomplished. 

I'm sorry for the novel of a blog, but I simply wanted to share that 2014, is going to be the best year of my life as of yet, and I want to share the journey with y'all. I'll try desperately to do better on these posts, but I will not promise, because I don't want to break a promise to y'all. 

Take care and have a blessed evening. 

Tiffany Leigh Ward