Writing is easier...

Two days in a row bloggers you should feel lucky.

I'm on the lovely blog again because I'm in dire need of getting some items off my chest; and I've always believed that a blog is somewhat like a journal. Sure, journals are for yourself, but for me, if I can't admit things to myself then how in the WORLD am I going to admit them to people I love and don't want to hurt? So, this entry is going to be a somewhat confessional, mainly because writing...it's always been easier for me. Letting my words come out on paper or computer has always been an easier way for me to express myself than with speaking them. With that being said, I know actions are louder than words so this is going to be a milestone action. 

I don't like admitting my faults and the traits I dislike about myself, however if I don't admit these faults and accept them how will I ever move forward and not keep making the same idiotic choices? I won't, that's the simple answer. The people in my life right now, the friends I have, that God has blessed me with are the people that matter most to me, besides my family. Mainly because I consider them family, so why would I hurt them with misunderstandings and not listening to the advice they give me; especially when the advice is on the money. A four letter word that always has a tendency to pull me by my hair. Fear. I succumb to fear and in the end losing these people is more terrifying than fear itself. Again I ask, why would I make the stupid decisions I make? Believe things happened when they didn't, will them to be true, even though they aren't? That's the questions I've been tossing back and forth in my head. Is it because it would make me happy if they played out that way, then I'd be free of the feelings and be able to FINALLY move on with my life and let this love go and not get sucked back in? Able to live the life I so desperately want to live without loving him anymore? Able to be in a room with this person and not want him? I honestly believe all those facts to be true. 

My life has been a roller coaster due to the choices I've made, and I have no one to blame but myself for that, and I will fully admit to that. I wouldn't be in the positions I've been in if I had used my brain and been stronger. If my insecurities that don't come from God were so persistent. I'm strong, I know I'm strong, but I'm also weak. Admitting when I'm wrong and admitting when I've made a mistake is the first steps. I want so badly to start the life I know I'm meant to live now, and yet I can't. The life I want to live is in Ireland, and I feel as though it's waiting for me. Sure it's an easy way to get away from the love I feel and will always feel for a young man, but putting distance between us may be what I need most. Sure, you may say, "You're running away." Maybe I am with him...but doing what is BEST for me is what's important. I know loving him has done nothing but bring heart ache and problems, that is something I have always been able to admit, the only issue is he knows what to say to bring me back. The apologies, the holding me close, being sweet...it's all a game, and not real. I know that...yet when it's happening I'm not as smart. I'm weak when it comes to him. I don't know if I'm still IN LOVE with him, but I still love him greatly and that is a problem. Being led on for a year, being led to believe over and over there MIGHT be a chance then to have that chance crushed right in front of me...I'm not emotionally strong enough to handle it. I don't want to tell a lie again, I don't want to believe I've had a conversation with someone when I haven't, I don't want to keep giving in. My heart, can NOT handle it, my emotions can NOT handle it. I do not want to feel weak any longer. I don't want to have to depend on the advice of others to keep me from falling. I want to be able to stand strong on my own. 

When life throws me a curve, that's usually when I tend to make a mistake, give in, do something I know I shouldn't. It's isn't every time, but when life is stressful, and I'm feeling lost, alone and confused...not finding comfort in my Bible...but trying to find comfort in earthly things. I've been doing better, I truly have but I don't want to keep making mistakes. I want to be the strong women I know I am all the time. I know that I can, and I have to make the right choices and decisions to be sure to stay on the right track. So with that all being said, I'm going to do everything I need to do to make Ireland my reality. I'm going to be sure NEVER lie, or believe a dream is reality again. I will cut out anyone who brings me down. I will only be FRIENDS with this young man I've been talking about; only hanging out with him when I KNOW in my heart I am strong enough to only be friends and not want to be more. I've come a long way, however I don't want to ever lose anyone because of my stupid choices or decisions. 

I"m going to share a piece I wrote back in March for my counselor on my writing blog about this man I was in love with for nearly a year and half. I let go of some of the love, but I need to let it all go if I'm ever going to move one completely. I was broken...and had to pick up the pieces on my own...and I don't want to ever be back in that position again.So in another step of moving forward I'm going to share this non-fiction piece in hopes it will be another step in the right direction.

And finally I want to ask for patience and forgiveness from anyone I've ever hurt with the choices I've made. I'm not proud of the choices I've made in the past, but I am owning up to them. I'm not perfect and I'm desperately trying to stay on the right track. Forgiveness is not easy to give and I know that; it is for me, but I understand it's not for others. I know I may be asking for a lot, but please, be patient with me and I know I don't have the right to ask for forgiveness but I'm asking anyway. 

This was not easy to write but needed to be written. 

Tiffany Leigh

Realty or Dream

Well hello bloggers. It's been awhile and life has yet again changed.

I'll get into the major change in a different post, mainly because this post is for a purpose all of on it's own.

I have a simple question for my readers. Do you ever mistake a dream you've had for reality? Have you ever dreamt of something and believed it to be true? 

I've had said moment and in doing so have put my foot in my mouth. I suppose I'd written out the conversation that took place in said dream enough times that when I dreamt it, it felt as though I finally had the gall to say the words I'd been wanting to say for nearly a year. I hate mistaking something that felt real for something that was only in my head. I look like a liar, the person I told said conversation to looks like a liar, AND I feel as though I'm back at the starting line. Back at the treasure map staring at the god for saken "X". 

My dreams have for as long as I can remember felt like I was living in that moment, and when I wake I have to sit and think,"wait, real or dream?" I suppose with this one dream I was so damn caught up in the moment that I believed it to be real and not dream because I wanted it to be damn true. The only problem is instead of keeping my mouth shut until I realized, DREAM, I involved someone who has ALWAYS had my back and now I look like I lied. I HATE looking that way because I never meant to look that way. I HONESTLY believed it was real and that this conversation went well. Looking at the whole situation now, I know there is NO WAY that it could have gone as well as I said it did. My brain should have screamed at me, "SHUT THE HECK UP! KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED!" Yet the words escaped through my fingers and onto the phone and the send button was pushed. It honestly wasn't until she sent me a text a couple hours later stating, "*name of person here* said yall didn't talk...." that my brain went, "DUH!" I literally looked at the screen in horror thinking, "What the hell did I do? We didn't talk...well shit, I dreamt the WHOLE thing." I literally felt like I had been kicked with a steel toe boot to the gut. 

I want my best friend to know, I am sorry for this whole misunderstanding that I caused with not thinking hard before mentioning this conversation. It was my fault and I want to make it right. 

My dreams need to cease and desist with feeling like I'm in reality. I wouldn't feel like a liar, and I wouldn't have another lesson to be learned with thinking. Obviously I needed it, but still. I think I understand now. Think before ANY actions no matter what. 

Tiffany Leigh 

2014. The Best Year of my life YET!

Howdy y'all! 'Ello lovelies!

Welp, I hadn't planned on waiting so long to update y'all on my hectic life, however my life got a little....hectic. 

I do hope y'all have had a pleasant start to 2014 and have taken each new turn with stride. 

Let me start by stating that I've stayed on course with my last post quite well, and haven't had any relapses back into that lifestyle.  Which is a God send. I will not say it hasn't been a difficult journey to stay on the path provided before me, however I'm much more determined to be the woman God wants me to become. I've always seen in articles that your twenties are truly the time for you to determine who you are, and what you are meant to do with your life. Finding your passions and going down the path to fulfilling your dreams, and I NEVER understood or agreed until now. I'm 27, and will be 28 in April, and I will not lie when I say that I thought my life would be much different than it is now. I thought I'd be finished with school, with the man God has provided for me, and starting a family. Well, God obviously knew better than to allow that to happen. 

The phrase, "Everything happens for a reason"...absolutely used to get on my last nerve. I didn't...couldn't understand it because I'd fallen so far from whom I was created to be that I was closed off to anything that anyone had to say to me having to do with faith. Sure, I'd seem open to it just to appease people, but in the end...I was so buried in the life I had created...that I couldn't allow myself to find the comfort in the words. In times of despair and loss, that phrase..is despised by many because it is simply not what one wants to hear when they are in a hard spot, or dealing with the death/loss of someone they love. However down the line, in the future when they have time to find solace in being alone in a room, or in a group of people the realization of the phrase may hit them like lightening striking a tree. The true meaning behind it will lighten your spirit and bring you an overwhelming sense of peace you've never known. I CAN say now without a shadow of a doubt that I live by this phrase. Again, I'm not saying it's going to be smooth sailing, I'll go over rough waters, unsure of where the waters will take me, but in the end, I KNOW it's in the Lord's hands and I am at peace with knowing that. MONTHS ago, I don't think you would've seen me type those words, but with all the counseling I've been receiving, I can now admit that I'm at a place in my life that is like a pirate searching for treasure. I'm on a journey, an adventure really. Following where the Lords map is leading me. Once again, this is not an easy journey,but anything in life worth having/doing is NEVER easy. Why, it wouldn't be worth it in the end if it were easy to accomplish. At the beginning of 2014 I had a job... a job that was an easy out for me...and I was no longer happy in the atmosphere. I was no longer comfortable being around people who wanted to waste their lives away with drugs and being drunker than ANYONE I'd ever seen. I'd been praying for months on what do to. What was it God wanted me to do. Stick it out and share my faith like I had been trying desperately to do? Quit? I was so unsure. Then on the 9th, of January I was terminated from said job, for a misunderstanding...

It hit my pride...my ego more than anything. I was upset to be FIRED but not upset about not being in THAT kind of atmosphere anymore. I was relieved...calm even about the whole prospect of not being employed there anymore. I knew God was up to something, I just again was unsure of what he was up to. 

I remember praying for God's will and for him to show me his will for what to do. Whatever it was he wanted me to do, I would do. A week after being fired I had a session with my counselor and I distinctly remember him saying to me, "Tiffany, this is the start of something big. This is a chance to change careers. Do you know of the book, "What color is your parachute?" I remember simply looking at him dumbfounded. I was utterly confused, and said, "No." He wrote the book title down and told me I should purchase it and read it. It's a book to help job-hunters and career changers, which was JUST the situation I had just found myself in. I'd also been discussing with him the possibility of going back to university and finishing my degrees. He has supported me on that route and pushed me to go to the university and speak to advisers to see what the next steps were for me to complete my basics/Associates so I then could transfer to a four year university to accomplish one of my goals. The gigantic fear that has followed me with my dreams was on my heels yet again. The little voice in my head was trying to awaken from it's slumber to push me down again into being that insecure young woman yet again. What was the outcome you may ask? Did I go and speak to the advisers? Should I keep you in suspense? The answer is......

Yes. The devil tried his hardest to keep my from going, putting obstacles in my way, and I refused to allow him to succeed. I've given in too many times, and I refuse to allow him to gain any control again on my journey. Anyways, after speaking to the advisers I found I only need a total of 5 courses to be finished with my core curriculum; furthermore I only need 14 credits to be finished with my Associates degree. I was in shock. I honestly thought I had more than that to be completed. For the first time in a LONG time I was able to see the light at the end of the university tunnel. I was excited to go on with the next steps, and yet afraid at the same time. Not the kind of afraid I had been used to feeling, this was a new feeling. I didn't want to fail...MYSELF! I've come so far in 5 months, becoming the strong young woman I always had a feeling I was, and I was on the journey toward my dreams. I was so close, and yet so far. The reality began to sink in....I was unemployed...I was in need of income...money for university...the worry began to creep in. A darkness that can overwhelm me in a mere matter of seconds. I felt it creep in and tried my hardest to put the worry away...to NOT take back what I had given to God.....I'd found a church home where they help keep me accountable...I found a gym where I was comfortable working out....I have bills to pay, a dog and myself to think of...the worries of the world...they would STAY in God's hands. I KNEW God would provide for me, he always has in the past and will continue to provide all the days of my life.

On the 17th of January, my papa had to go to the hospital for multiple health reasons, and my mom and dad(step dad) were in the process of moving back to Texas, and the worries of who would stay with my nana while our papa was in the hospital started to cave in around our family. Mom came back a day early and dad made his way here the day they had originally planned. The short of the story is, my papa has atrial fibrillation and he ended up having to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks; having to undergo 2 cardio versions, a tube ablation, and have a pacemaker put it before he was able to come back home. So for those two weeks, we were having to take turns staying with my nana, who has Parkinsons, and dementia. It has been a stressful 2 1/2 weeks to say the least, but God provided. With all of that being said, it was quite difficult of me to find the time to search for jobs, let along find comfort in writing; so I was at a stand still on the job hunt...unsure of where I was meant to apply and what I was meant to do. I pulled out my Bible and the book my counselor asked me to purchase and began to read and take notes. Praying for guidance...praying for God's provisions. On January 30th my mom had an interview with a company that one of her acquaintances had told her about. It was for an Administrative position for a Financial company, and she seemed excited about the prospect. Later that evening she came back to report back her "findings" of the company and she looked at me and said, "Tiff, I think God provided me with this interview so you could get an interview with them. One of the men goes to the same church as you, they are Godly men, and I think this would be perfect for you." I simply gazed at her with a blank stare I'm sure. What did she mean by that I thought. Was she losing her mind? She then asked me if I'd be interested, and if she could call them and tell them about me, and I said sure, what's the harm in that. The very next day I received a phone call from the company and set up an interview for Monday, February 3rd at 10 in the morning. So the following Monday I awoke, got ready and went to the interview. I felt very comfortable around the 2 men, even though I had the lingering remainder of a migraine during the interview process. They asked me to send them some references and they would get back with me. Two days later, I received a phone call from them saying they were going to go with someone within the company who had the experience, but they would keep my phone number if anything opened up and they would give me a call. I was devastated. I cried...I believed in my gut that THAT was where God had planned on me working. I shrugged it off after my quick cry and went back to work job hunting. The next day I had my session with my counselor and he asked me how the FASFA process was going for school.  I told him I was nearly finished with it, and he told me I need to get that completed so this year could be the best yet. I agreed and that evening I finished my FASFA. I'm telling you this back story to tell you this. Yesterday, I was helping my mom, dad, and grandparents, get my grandparents to a doctors appointment and was going to be heading to an interview with a Chevrolet dealership after we were finished. As we were driving to the doctors appointment, I checked my email and saw that my FASFA had been sent to Tarrant County College and now all I had to do was wait. I couldn't help but smile. Everything was slowly coming together, and it was ALL in Gods hands. Seconds later I was receiving a phone call from a phone number I couldn't recognize immediately, so I let it go to voicemail. Not thinking whoever it might be would leave me one, I felt my phone vibrate and my iPhone screen had a bubble that said "New Voicemail". I clicked the listen button and was taken aback. It was one of the gentleman from the company I interviewed with a week before. The woman they had hired didn't work out and they were offering me the position. I was shocked. I told my mom I needed her to listen to it because I was in so much shock I wasn't sure if I heard it right. I handed her the phone, and she squealed and handed me the phone and said, "CALL THEM BACK!!" We walked into the hospital for my grandparents appointment and I called them back.......and drum roll please.......

I HAVE THE JOB! I got my finger prints completed yesterday, the paperwork sent back to them, even though it took me nearly ALL day to accomplish that feat in itself. I start this new job on Monday, February 17th at 9 a.m. This job is truly a God send, and I realized when I came back to my grandparents the reason the timing wasn't right when I first went to the interview. I had spoken to my counselor a week prior to having the interview about going to university to finish and the fear of accomplishing that won over me finishing my FASFA. So in the end, I truly believe I didn't get it the first go around because I wasn't following in what God wanted me to do. Losing my job at the beginning of the year I believe was for a REASON! I believe that this timing, is GODS timing. It's finally time for me to complete my degrees and to continue on the road that God has provided for me. Following the rainbow to the pot of gold that is my dream. To write, teach, and help others find their passions. My ministry is sharing the trials that God has allowed me to overcome. To share my imagination and my knowledge with others. To teach others, and help them on their journey's toward their dreams. Possibly even opening a bookstore to showcase new writers and their journey to stardom. I've had several teachers/professors help me to find my passion for literature/writing, and even some movies help to realize my callings...it was just hard for me to open my eyes to truly see what my calling was. I was recalling my 7th-9th grade English teachers at Southwest Christian and how they pushed me to be better. It started with Mrs. Bartee in 7th grade, when she went out of her way to help me with grammar, and some other problems I was having when I missed 2 months of school due to having intense migraines. It didn't stop there either; she went on to push me to read extra books and to show me that literature could be fun. Then there was my 9th grade English teacher Mrs. Lozano, and she pushed me even harder than Mrs. Bartee. I understand NOW why they pushed me so hard. Teachers push their students because they want them to succeed and to enjoy what the literature has to share with us. Back then I didn't understand, or simply wasn't willing to understand what they were trying so earnestly to teach me. It didn't sink into my stubborn brain until 2009 when I was taking my English Composition class with Mrs. Barker my English professor. My passion for literature, writing, the creativity English entails was ignited like the Olympic flame. It burned inside of me and i wanted nothing more than to further my knowledge for literature and writing. 

So I want to send a thank you out to my English teachers past and those in the future. Thank you for helping me to find my calling, and causing me to have an unyielding love for literature and writing. I may not be the best writer, but as long as what I write touches ONE person, then I'll feel accomplished. 

I'm sorry for the novel of a blog, but I simply wanted to share that 2014, is going to be the best year of my life as of yet, and I want to share the journey with y'all. I'll try desperately to do better on these posts, but I will not promise, because I don't want to break a promise to y'all. 

Take care and have a blessed evening. 

Tiffany Leigh Ward 

The work in progress went through a valley and will find her way

Hello bloggers. It has been a long time since I've written and the main reason in writing this post is as a open my heart tell all. This is not easy for me, but I feel like it's something I need to do. 

For those out there who don't know, I've been going to therapy for nearly three months, originally to help me through anger with my dad and being raped(I never really dealt with it). However; when it came down to it I wasn't healthy emotionally and I had to dive into past issues that have effected me deeply and I've been working through all of those. I'm saying this to get to one issue that I thought I had overcome. One being I had issues lying in the past, and they weren't always little lies, sometimes they were huge out there lies.  I never made a big deal of this past to current friends, however I do remember telling at least my best friend that I had HAD issues in the past, and I thought I told a couple other friends also. Moving on, I've learned with going to therapy that I would do that because I was so insecure and down that I would just act before I would really think. I haven't done that in years, and I am deeply sorry that I can no longer say it's been years since I have. Monday morning I told probably the worst lie I could've ever told and it hurt quite a few people and I did something I always had issues with. I owned up to it last night. I'm not a perfect person, never have been but had a momentary lapse of judgement and let my insecurity and loneliness( not from a guy but just feeling lonely) take over and had a horrible relapse. In owning up to this lie, I realize I may lose friendships and that's something I can understand because it was so hurtful. I can not expect people to just forgive me immediately however, after telling my best friend, whom I was most terrified I would lose with this, she forgave me and was understanding. I can honestly say, I know I don't deserve her forgiveness, however my best friend Nicole, has always been one of those people you'd pray to have in your life. I'm beyond grateful that she would still be here for me. I know I'll have to regain her trust, but I know I can. That's why I'm getting help, to help be ther person I was made to be, to NEVER make these kinds of mistakes again, and to never hurt those I love again. 

I want those to know that were effected by this lie to know how deeply sorry I am, and that I truly believed I was strong enough to not give in to the emotions I was feeling. I also want you all to know this will NEVER happen again. I mean that with every fiber in my being, because the thought of losing those that I truly love over being ignorant and letting stupid insecurities get in the way. Those of you that I've already spoken too, and have been understanding of this...I want you to know how deeply touched and grateful I am to have been blessed to have y'all in my life. I know that forgiving something this bad isn't easy, however I'm thankful to know who my true friends are that will stand by my side even at my worst, and I repeat, I will never do this to any of you again.  

This has not been easy for me to write because this is part of my journey toward getting healthy emotionally; If anyone reading this has ever had issues with the same or dealing with emotional struggles you are not alone. Even though I've made progress I'm still a work in progress. 

Taking steps in the right direction. 

Tiffany Leigh

Finding comfort in my Neverland and Wonderland

Long time no blog!!

Well howdy bloggers. I'm dreadfully sorry that it's been so long since I've blogged, I suppose the world and all the encompasses it has kept me bogged down for awhile. I found some much needed solitude today, as I have the day off; to write to all you lovely folks out in the internet world. I've had a crazy several months, with work, family changes, and some life changes. 

Work has been wonderful. It's been an amazing 3 months since I started working there; and yet it seems like just yesterday when Kyle e-mailed me to come in and meet with him. I've gotten close to several of my co-workers; especially the other host Haley. We clicked as friends almost immediately while I was training, and I'm very grateful that God allowed me the opportunity to be placed as a hostess at Lonesome Dove. The way Haley and I click reminds me greatly as to when I met Nicole. It's crazy how God puts people in your life for the long run, and you are also able to understand what people he put in your life to only help you for a time. As I've been working at Lonesome Dove, I've realized how much I strayed from my dreams, and what I believe, and have been finding comfort in the word again and not trying to find comfort in men, and instead lean on the one person who has helped me through Hell and back. Yes, I want to share my life with a man, but I want him to love me second, and for God to be first in his life. That's been my issue...I keep finding men who need to be helped and aren't where God wants them to be, and I ALWAYS think I can change them. In the three months I've been at Lonesome...I've found my way back to God...and still managed to keep those that God wants in my life...to be a part of it. I know who are positive influences on me and who were only there when they needed something from me, or who knew they could bring me down. I don't want negative people in my life anymore...I want only those who are positive and will help me to become who I am meant to be. I pray to God that those people know who they are, as I do NOT want to mention names on here, because some people I thought were lifelong friends...I was wrong...

Family changes...what I mean by that is that I've gotten much closer with some family members that I was once not close to at all. I'm so very thankful for the opportunity to have started  Bible study with my aunt, cousins, mom and sister; even if for right now it has been put on hold, with other circumstances that have come up. With just the couple meetings we had, my cousin Sara and I became much closer and I thank God everyday for the chance to become closer to her and be able to count on her, not only as my cousin but as a sister in Christ. I know for a lot of you this post will seem very different from the others, but my faith in God has always been a part of my life, but I fell away; like most do when they are put into the real world that we all so yearned to be a part of. I now know why my mom always told me to enjoy being a kid when I was one, because the grown up world...just blows. Haha. More family changes...my cousin Grant got married to his best friend/soul mate on July 20th. It was a beautiful wedding and I was so grateful and happy that I was able to be there to witness them join their lives together and live for God together. I cried as I watched, not in sadness but in pure joy at the sight of Ashley and Grant, pledging to love each other for as long as the both live. I gained yet another cousin and she is just as amazing as the first I gained back in 2008(that being Sara). The biggest family change, is that I now have a stepfather. Yep folks, ya read correctly. I have a stepfather, and I honestly couldn't be any happier about this new addition; mainly because he is someone my family has known my entire life. Yep, God brought Gordon and my mom together back on June 16th and a friend(now cousins) baby shower that I was not able to go to. They saw each other then began talking and it was all God's timing. Mom and Gordon clicked, and acted like they were teenagers in love; and yet...I've never seen my mama any happier than I've seen her over the past month and couple of days. With this new addition; however it meant that mama would be moving away to Tennessee, which scared me at first, because I had gotten so used to having her so close by...able to see her anytime I needed her...which the more I think about it now...I think God is getting me ready for moving away...which I will get to in a bit. I wasn't able to be there for the wedding which stung, but my sister and I are not the only children...Gordon also has a son and daughter, so I have gained a step sister and brother...that I know I'll actually have a relationship with...which can not be said for my dad and his wife and their family. I'm very much looking forward to meeting Justin, who lives in San Antonio at the moment and is a Lt, in the Air force ( I believe) and he will either be going to Germany or Hawaii in a couple years. Then there is Julie, and she is in school to become a Vet Tech for large animals like horses; which is very cool. I have been able to work through so many emotions since first hearing the news that mama was getting married, and I'm now...looking forward to any moment I get to spend with mama, Gordon, and my new family members.  The family I have gained is a family that I have thought of as part of our family since I was young enough to remember. The Baird clan is now part of our family and we a part of theirs and I count my blessings that we can finally truly call each other family.

Now onto life changes. Anyone that is close to me, knows my love/obsession with Ireland and anything having to do with Celtic heritage. Over the past three years I have felt a major pull towards Ireland, like a voice in my head telling me, that THAT is where I'm meant to be. I'm not sure if it's all in my head, if it's imagination, or if it's God telling me to put my faith in him and he will provide a way. I've been lacking on that front...I've always believed in the power of prayer, and have seen prayers come true; yet when it comes to handing everything over to God...for him to take the reigns on my life...I waiver...I give in to the human instinct to dig my heals in and think I CAN DO THIS. I don't NEED you to do this. I'm strong enough...blah blah blah. It's all scuse me BULL SHIT. Everything in my life has been a learning experience and has helped mold me in the young woman I am today. To help guide me down the paths that God wants me to follow. I've been so dang afraid to let the reigns over to him, to let him show me what to do, because I'm afraid that what I want...is truly what GOD WANTS, and I feel like it's almost too good to be true and that I could be dreaming. See the Bible study that we women were/are doing is called "So Long Insecurity" and it would seem that ever since we started my insecurities have been rearing their blood thirst heads to try and pull me back down. It's not an easy fight...but as long as I now that God is beside me..I can do it. Crazy right?  Back to what I was saying about having my mom move away, and also have my closest friends not be in the same state as me; maybe God is teaching me to be stronger and to lean on him more. That I can survive without having those I love most close by. The first lesson was when Ashley and I became so close and she lives in Idaho. Then came the BIG one with Nicole going into the Navy. We literally saw each other every day for the last week she was here, and spend nearly all our spare time together. It was a difficult transition but we still talk when we can, we are still close, and we can still count on each other. Distance is only difficult if you make it that way. With mama moving to Tennessee, that was a doosie I must say. I had a difficult time at first but after speaking to mama about how I was feeling and truly taking myself out of it...and seeing the situation from the outside I was able to see it differently.  I was able to see all the good and how wonderful it all was and that it truly was all God's timing.  I've never been one to THRUST my love of Christ in peoples faces, I hope that none of you are sitting here reading this thinking,"Oh Tiffany, that's EXACTLY what you are doing now." I'd have to disagree, I'm simply letting you all know that for me, that this has been an eye opening 3 months...that I'm determined to let God show me what to do...and whatever it may be, I'll follow wherever he leads me. My best friend Nicole has always been a strong supporter of whatever I've wanted to do...she's always been there...and even though we've only been friends for a little over a year, I know that she and I...no matter how far apart we are...we will always have time for each other...and will be there to listen to what is going on in each others lives. Even if I'm all the way in Ireland...or Tennessee...or even Georgia...while she is in Florida we will ALWAYS  be friends. I can NOT shake the feeling that God is calling me to Ireland for school, to finish my education there...to show his love through all that I do...even if I end up at an Irish pub or two...which I'm sure will happen if I go. 

Oh then there is also, the man front. Well as I was in love with a young man...who simply was not/is not ready for a real commitment..and as he doesn't really know what he wants out of life...and needs help...I realized I needed to let him go, and simply be his friend. Which surprisingly was easier than I thought it would be. I have seen with my mama and Grant that everything is God's timing, and decided to work on myself, and to also join a dating website. GASP! haha. Yeppers. I joined Eharmony and I did so with THAT site, because it worked so well for Grant and Ashley. Yeppers, you read that correctly also. They met through Eharmony and found love. I know it won't be a fast process, and that God will put the man I'm meant to be with in my life when he knows I'm ready, and when I least expect it. The truth of the matter is, how can I expect someone to love me, when I'm still in the process of healing and loving who I am?  Once I'm there, I know that God will provide me with the man of my dreams and who will be the provider of the family. I'm determined to keep my eyes on the POSITIVE big picture. 

I know this is a long post, and it's more of a vent session, but all of this has been on my heart lately and I needed to let it out. I don't want to be a negative Nancy, a Debbie downer or get depressed over all this. Like I told my best friend Nicole, this is ALL just a big learning experience that will help me grow into the woman I'm meant to be. To help mold me and make me into who I am meant to be. Once I was able to realize that...and honestly...I realized it today.. after talking to a couple friends...I'm a bit more calm...and collected. I guess you could say my Neverland and Wonderland would be Ireland...it's where I think I would be happiest...and where I will become who I'm meant to. I'm beyond ready to fall down the rabbit hole and see what is beyond here. :) I'm ready to fly away and see what else the world has to offer me. :) 

If you made it all the way through this entry thank you for taking time to read it, I appreciate it. I hope you all have a blessed day and remainder of the week.

With Love,

Tiffany Leigh

The joys of being a sister = BEING AN AUNT

Howdy Bloggers!!

Today was a very special day in the Ward/Cleveland/Brasher family. My sister as a lot of you know is pregnant again with her second little bundle of joy and today we found out what she and my brother in-law would be having. I won't lie when I say, as it got closer to finding out the more I was hoping that she would have a little girl. I know it will be hard, because if she has a girl, then we're all in for it. Liam is by far the cutest little boy on the planet, yes I'm very biased because I love him so much, but he has the most amazing blue eyes...any girl will fall for him with just those. So if they are to have a little girl, and if she has blonde hair and blue eyes just like Liam...well we are flippin' screwed! We are all gonna have to invest in shotguns when she hits teenage years, and look out for her; scaring all those boys away. ;)

So with that being said, I'll tell you that she IS in fact having a baby girl. :)

I'm so utterly excited and overjoyed at the moment. Being an aunt to Liam is a blessing and he brings me so much joy each day. he is so smart, and will lay his head on Mo's stomach and say "baby"...it brings tears to my eyes. Liam is going to be the worlds best big brother to this little girl and I can NOT wait to see him with her...well that's not entirely true. I can wait, because in a few short months he will have to share all the attention with his baby sister, and it's going to be oh so fun. haha. 

I won't lie when I say I always thought it would be awesome to have a big brother, but having a big sister is pretty dang amazing. She's taught me so much over the years, and has been looking out for me since I was a baby. Reading books to me when I was little, teaching me about history, singing Disney songs to me when I felt bad, she brought so many different kinds of genre of music/movies into my life, and so many other things that would take me FOREVER to put down. I don't tell her enough how much I love/appreciate everything she does for me, and I should. We've had such a crazy relationship over the years but in the end...no one ever has your back like a sister does. No one can share in the heart aches like a sister, and no one will embarrass you quite like a sister. ;)

She made me an aunt nearly two years ago, and the joy it's brought into my life is undeniable. The love I have for her son, is unwavering and I will love him until the day I die, just like I will for her daughter. I can not wait for the day when I have kids and they get to have her as an aunt. They will be getting the worlds best aunt on the planet. Once again, I'm biased, but I can not wait for her to teach my little ones things I may not be able too. She shared her love with reading with me at a young age and I took it for granted for FAR too long, and I'm glad I finally realized my love for it, and I wouldn't have if it weren't for her. I can't wait to see her read to my little ones like she read to me all those years ago. She's an amazing mom, and I don't tell her that enough either. Watching her be a mother to Liam is by far the highlight of my days lately with living with her again. Watching them together and the way they will cuddle and watch tv/read together brings a smile to my face and I pray that one day I'm half the mom her and my mom are. 

Being a sister...I haven't always been the best one honestly, but I love having her as a big sister. I couldn't have asked for a better big sister than her, who has given me chance after chance. God knew EXACTLY what he was doing when He gave me her as a sister. Sure we butt heads a lot, but when I need her, she is always there. To help walk me through whatever meltdown I'm having with a heartache or freak out. So Mo, I love you more than you could ever know, and I KNOW I don't show it often, but thank you for everything you have EVER done for me. Thank you for giving me chance after chance, forgiving me, teaching me everything you have. For reading to me when I was younger, and showing me the importance of literature in my life. Thank you for helping me through boy drama and eating I don't know how many gallons of Blue Bell ice cream to get through said boy drama. Thank you for giving me the opportunity for being an aunt. I love it, and can't wait to be an aunt to your daughter when she makes her arrival in October. 

Welp, I guess that's all I have to say about that. There's more I could say, but it's hard to put it all in words at the moment. haha.

I hope everyone had an amazing Sunday funday.

Follow me on instagram folks. Tiff_leigh11

God Bless.

Tiffany Leigh

Think like Jack....

Howdy blog world.

I'm giving myself a "Pirates of the Caribbean" marathon this cloudy/rainy not sure what the hell it wants to do Wednesday in Texas. 

Each time I watch these movies I am reminded as to why I love these movies so much...and it doesn't have ALL to do with Johnny Depp( I know madness right?)  The story lines are interesting, whether I may agree with where the writers went with the stories every movie is debatable...but I usually enjoy the situations they put my favorite character in. With the exception of "killin'" him in the second movie...which made sense in the end but STILL. Don't do that to that to Captain Jack. Alright, on with my ramble...I love these movies because of Captain Jack...the situations he gets in always seem dire and he always find some kind of way to get out of them. They aren't every day kind of issues...but sometimes you have to think like Jack to get out of situations. 

That's what I'm doin' today. I've been in a weird frame of mind the past couple days due to the post I did a couple days ago, and I wasn't quite ready for the bombardment of thoughts that invaded my mind at lightening speed. I found myself wanting to run away like Jack did. Screaming and flailing my arms..but that just isn't me. I refuse to give up, and let the insecurities win...because that's inevitably what they are trying to do. Bring me down enough to where I'll start to believe them and get depressed all over again...

So I'm thinkin' like Jack. Thinkin' out of the ordinary and makin' my way through the waves as they come and tryin' to enjoy the ride. 

I've had to learn to be quick on my feet in several situations and I've had to learn from several mistakes in the past and no one is perfect...I'd rather be me, with all my quirks, mistakes, flaws, all my personality traits...than perfect. Where's the fun in that? Learning on your feet is always more of a fun experience...or at least to me it is...sometimes you have to chose the more difficult road to go down than the one that seems plausible...look at Jack. He got eaten by a dang giant squid..I don't think ANYONE really saw that one comin'...including Jack. 

One of my favorite quotes that I always have a tendency to forget is, "The problem is not the problem.The problem is our attitude about the problem." Captain Jack truly is a smart character...even if he is drunk most of the time. If you have a positive attitude about any problem, whatever it may be ...the problem may not seem like a problem...more like a I don't know...let's call it a fun experience to journey through. If I think like Jack...things may seem more fun more often rather than dreary and like I'm about to get sucked into a Maelstrom. I just have to stay positive...no matter what and not let the world get me down, think like Jack and just take what the world gives me with a smile and some quirky comeback. Who knows...maybe even try and walk like him. HA, so kiddin'. 

Life is full of ups and downs...sometimes those ups and downs can be unclear...and maddeningly unhelpful...but it just takes a little thought to work through each situation...sometimes thinkin' like Jack is the answer...and sometimes using our own brain is the answer. There's nothing wrong with looking toward others for help, we just have to come up with the answers on our own...ya know? Be our own person, and make our decisions on our own. Advice is always helpful...but NEVER do something just because someone tells you to..

That's interesting right? ;)

Well I guess my ramble session is over and I'll go on with my day.

"Bring me that horizon." :)
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God Bless.

Tiffany Leigh