Two days in a row bloggers you should feel lucky.
I'm on the lovely blog again because I'm in dire need of getting some items off my chest; and I've always believed that a blog is somewhat like a journal. Sure, journals are for yourself, but for me, if I can't admit things to myself then how in the WORLD am I going to admit them to people I love and don't want to hurt? So, this entry is going to be a somewhat confessional, mainly because writing...it's always been easier for me. Letting my words come out on paper or computer has always been an easier way for me to express myself than with speaking them. With that being said, I know actions are louder than words so this is going to be a milestone action.
I don't like admitting my faults and the traits I dislike about myself, however if I don't admit these faults and accept them how will I ever move forward and not keep making the same idiotic choices? I won't, that's the simple answer. The people in my life right now, the friends I have, that God has blessed me with are the people that matter most to me, besides my family. Mainly because I consider them family, so why would I hurt them with misunderstandings and not listening to the advice they give me; especially when the advice is on the money. A four letter word that always has a tendency to pull me by my hair. Fear. I succumb to fear and in the end losing these people is more terrifying than fear itself. Again I ask, why would I make the stupid decisions I make? Believe things happened when they didn't, will them to be true, even though they aren't? That's the questions I've been tossing back and forth in my head. Is it because it would make me happy if they played out that way, then I'd be free of the feelings and be able to FINALLY move on with my life and let this love go and not get sucked back in? Able to live the life I so desperately want to live without loving him anymore? Able to be in a room with this person and not want him? I honestly believe all those facts to be true.
My life has been a roller coaster due to the choices I've made, and I have no one to blame but myself for that, and I will fully admit to that. I wouldn't be in the positions I've been in if I had used my brain and been stronger. If my insecurities that don't come from God were so persistent. I'm strong, I know I'm strong, but I'm also weak. Admitting when I'm wrong and admitting when I've made a mistake is the first steps. I want so badly to start the life I know I'm meant to live now, and yet I can't. The life I want to live is in Ireland, and I feel as though it's waiting for me. Sure it's an easy way to get away from the love I feel and will always feel for a young man, but putting distance between us may be what I need most. Sure, you may say, "You're running away." Maybe I am with him...but doing what is BEST for me is what's important. I know loving him has done nothing but bring heart ache and problems, that is something I have always been able to admit, the only issue is he knows what to say to bring me back. The apologies, the holding me close, being sweet...it's all a game, and not real. I know that...yet when it's happening I'm not as smart. I'm weak when it comes to him. I don't know if I'm still IN LOVE with him, but I still love him greatly and that is a problem. Being led on for a year, being led to believe over and over there MIGHT be a chance then to have that chance crushed right in front of me...I'm not emotionally strong enough to handle it. I don't want to tell a lie again, I don't want to believe I've had a conversation with someone when I haven't, I don't want to keep giving in. My heart, can NOT handle it, my emotions can NOT handle it. I do not want to feel weak any longer. I don't want to have to depend on the advice of others to keep me from falling. I want to be able to stand strong on my own.
When life throws me a curve, that's usually when I tend to make a mistake, give in, do something I know I shouldn't. It's isn't every time, but when life is stressful, and I'm feeling lost, alone and confused...not finding comfort in my Bible...but trying to find comfort in earthly things. I've been doing better, I truly have but I don't want to keep making mistakes. I want to be the strong women I know I am all the time. I know that I can, and I have to make the right choices and decisions to be sure to stay on the right track. So with that all being said, I'm going to do everything I need to do to make Ireland my reality. I'm going to be sure NEVER lie, or believe a dream is reality again. I will cut out anyone who brings me down. I will only be FRIENDS with this young man I've been talking about; only hanging out with him when I KNOW in my heart I am strong enough to only be friends and not want to be more. I've come a long way, however I don't want to ever lose anyone because of my stupid choices or decisions.
I"m going to share a piece I wrote back in March for my counselor on my writing blog about this man I was in love with for nearly a year and half. I let go of some of the love, but I need to let it all go if I'm ever going to move one completely. I was broken...and had to pick up the pieces on my own...and I don't want to ever be back in that position again.So in another step of moving forward I'm going to share this non-fiction piece in hopes it will be another step in the right direction.
And finally I want to ask for patience and forgiveness from anyone I've ever hurt with the choices I've made. I'm not proud of the choices I've made in the past, but I am owning up to them. I'm not perfect and I'm desperately trying to stay on the right track. Forgiveness is not easy to give and I know that; it is for me, but I understand it's not for others. I know I may be asking for a lot, but please, be patient with me and I know I don't have the right to ask for forgiveness but I'm asking anyway.
This was not easy to write but needed to be written.
Tiffany Leigh
No comments:
Post a Comment