Determination

Howdy bloggers.

Well it's a new day and a new week, and I couldn't be any more determined than I am now. 

Do you ever wake up and just say to yourself, "Nothing is gonna stop me today!"? I did this morning, at the crack of dawn...literally.  My body woke me up at about 6 am this morning, and I opened my eyes to see the sun rise through my window and hear sparrows, mockingbirds, and cardinals singing their songs to the world. All I wanted to do was start my day a new, with no stress, no worries, and nothing holding me back.  Truth be told, nothing is holding me back but myself and my damn(sorry) insecurities. I know everyone has them, but me and my dang insecurities have been havin' it out for years, and I'm finally at a point of saying, SCREW IT!" I'm so utterly exhausted with not feeling good enough, not being pretty enough, skinny enough,  ect. It's all bull and I know it, believe me do I ever know it, but remembering it every day and saying "screw you" to those thoughts has always been my downfall. It's been an inner battle for as long as I can remember...not feeling pretty enough, or not being good enough, or for carin' to dang much...

I'm exhausted with it all. No one has control over these thoughts but me...and who puts them there in the first place. I suppose that's why for the longest time I felt like I needed to be tanner, have a different hair color, and change myself for people.  Well you know what I say to all that bull? I'm THROUGH! I am who I am for a reason. God made me a porclain skinned, freckled redhead for a reason, why in the hell(SORRY) would/should I change that? Redheads are a dying breed and I should feel unique and happy that I have the hair color I do. I guess that's why I'm trying so hard to get my hair back to it's natural red, which has been...well difficult to say the least. Yeah, sure it would be nice to be able to get tan in the sun like so many of my friends, however redheads...we just aren't really meant to be tan and would look down right weird. Now, I do in the summer put on the sunless tanning lotion to give myself a little glow, because I don't want to glow in the dark. ;) I'm not super skinny, I'm not as toned as I used to be, and it bugs me...but this is all something that I can change. I just have to give myself the motivation to do it, and I'm pushing myself each day to do mini workouts, because if I push myself too hard, I'll end up hurting myself. I'm determined to get my toned legs, abs and arms back whatever it takes...

I'm exhausted with the not feeling pretty enough...and I know where this thought comes from I pray everyday for that thought not to enter my mind...but somehow it always sneaks in. I refuse to let myself fall or date anyone that says I'm beautiful and only talks about my body...REFUSE! I will do not want to be with someone bad enough that I would date someone who is only interested in the physical...it's not worth the trouble and in the end...I'd get hurt...it's happened before and I learned the HARD way that I don't NEED someone to be happy in my own skin. This is what this hole post is about. Being happy in my own skin. My own beauty. Being happy with me and saying "SCREW IT" to all the negative thoughts that try to make their way into my head. I do not NEED a man in my life to feel beautiful, I just NEED to believe it MYSELF. Ya know? Sure feeling wanted because your beautiful is an amazing feeling, but being wanted for who you are as a person FIRST, is a much more incredible feeling. Looks change...but who we are personality wise..who we are as a person..that's what is REAL and shouldn't change. If someone doesn't like you for you are, then they aren't worth a second glance. I'm saying that to y'all as well as myself. 

I'm determined to be me...to not change myself (besides fitness wise) for anyone EVER again. The last time I changed myself for someone was a couple years back and I've been trying to find my way back ever since. Fighting those dang insecurities that came back with a vengeance that I really didn't see coming, and I'm FINALLY at a point where I can say "screw all this bull!" It's been a difficult journey getting here, trying to surround myself around people that will support, love, and be there for me no matter what. The insecurities I've dealt with my entire life will always be there, waiting to come out and hit me with their best shot, but knowing I am strong enough NOW, to fight them off...finding the strength within, finding the strength with God, and with those who truly love me, is what gets me through now.  With finding a friend to help me get my writing out, to having the support system I do, to having this new amazing job that God blessed me with...it all helped turn on the light bulb so to speak. To just say, "Screw everyone who tries to put me down. Screw the negative thoughts. I am who I am. I care with all that I am. I'm a fighter, I'm a believer, I'm a friend , daughter, sister, aunt, hopeless romantic, country lover, who refuses to change ever again. I fight for my friends. I fight for what I want, and I don't give up." 

I'm FINISHED with the insecurities and letting them get the better of me. I'm free and I will fight with everything in me to not let them get to me again.

God bless y'all. 

Thanks for letting me vent it all out.

Tiffany Leigh