It's a little bit funny.....

Howdy bloggers.

Well i woke up in the oddest of moods, which is bound to happen when I finally say screw it to everything holdin' me back...it all come full force at me like race horses...which is EXACTLY what happened.

That's the only problem with givin' everything to God...once you do, the fight is 100x harder than it was before, and being strong enough to pull through can be damn difficult. I had an awesome afternoon with a really good friend, talked to my best friend via text, and then came home and one I was home...the race was on it seemed. It's like as long as I'm around people or I have other things on my mind, it's near impossible for the damn negative thoughts to come in...but once I'm alone...and I have time to think...the buzzer sounds and the horses are off and I'm the target....it's a little bit funny how that works.

I've had so much on my mind with this guy I care deeply for and this other guy that I thought...would help me get over the first guy...which in turn is NOT fair, and I know this. I'm not a bad person...I'm not...I don't play games, and yet...these two are doing just that. Playing games.  It isn't THAT difficult to figure out what you want it you stop letting OTHER people control what you think.  Which is EXACTLY what this one guy is doin'. It bugs the utter SHIT(sorry) out of me that he does that...but I can't seem to let him go. Which is stupid, because I know I deserve someone who isn't goin' to play game with my heart, feelings, or emotions. However...when we're together, just him and me...no one else...it's damn near perfect. We can sit there and talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING...just shoot the bull so to speak and I'm always happy when I'm with him...now I don't necessarily have to be with him to be happy...but it never fails...anytime we spend any amount of time together, I'm happy. It's a little bit funny how that happens.

Lately I'm not sure what's really goin' on with us...if there is anything goin' on.  I'd like to think there is...but he listens to some of his friends more than he should and he lets them influence him...he won't admit it...but my best friend and I know it...shit(sorry) even his family knows it.  I'm not certain as to why he does that...he isn't weak..in fact he's damn strong, he just doesn't believe it most of the time...it's a little bit funny how standin' on the outside I can see so much.

I hate feelin' like I do at this moment. I'm so uncertain of what's goin' on with him...and he always shuts me out when he gets damn afraid...and that's what he is...he drinks his pain away because he's too afraid to face what he's done and move on...and I can't leave him alone. He's my friend and I care about him...hell I love him...in love with him....and I can't just leave him hanging when he needs positive people in his life. You know how I said in earlier posts how I care with my whole heart and people don't know how to handle it at times. He doesn't...in fact I think most of the time he thinks I'm crazy because I won't leave him alone...that I want to be there for him...help him through...I want him to know I'm not going anywhere. When he needs me I'll be there. I wouldn't change a dang thing about him...honestly because I fell in love with all the insecurities he has, all his faults, his past mistakes, everything...so if I changed him...he wouldn't be who I fell in love with...I want him to want to be the person I know he can be...that his family knows he can be...that HE knows he can be. He just has to do what I've done and stop fighting it. It's a little bit funny how you surround yourself with people who go through the same things you have...

I guess a great deal of what I"m feeling right now has to do with the fact due to past mistakes YEARS ago, I'm now having to deal with a circumstance I never thought I would...and I know God is handling it...that he will lead me through this like he does everything else, but I'm not gonna lie to y'all. I'm a little scared, and I know where fear comes from and it's not from God...so that's why I'm trying so damn hard not to let the devil get to me...but he did last night BIG time. I was in some pain and I decided to take some advil to ya know help releave it...I laid down and cuddled up with a blanket and watched The Voice( I was behind on episodes) and the more I laid there, the more pain I was in...so I decided to sit up, and put my legs to my chest in hopes that would help...it did a little and I did something you should never do. Googled what I was feeling...that was STUPID! Shouldn't have done it because then my mind started going 90 to nothing and all I wanted was a shot of whiskey.  I was like my the guy I love...I just wanted to get out of the house and go drink...get my mind off and get numb. I know better and that's why I didn't leave, and I stayed home and wrote on Make a Wish on 11. I had to find comfort in something because I didn't want to call him...I knew he was with friends and didn't want to bug him...so I didn't. I have an appointment on the 23rd because well that was the earliest I could get in to see this new doctor I'm going too.  Good news is they told me that as soon they figure out what's going on we can schedule the procedure I have to undergo asap. Which is good, because if I have to wait too much longer I'm gonna lose my mind a little bit. I guess I already am, my emotions are all out of whack, more things make me cry than usual( and people who know me know I already cry at a lot anyways). For example, I heard a song yesterday, while driving home on my XM radio by Miranda Lambert..."Over". I've hard it a hundred times and yesterday I lost it while drivin' and had to suck it up before I walked in the door at home. It's a little bit funny how emotions can get the best of you when you don't want them too.

Everyone has their bad days, or days that start out bad, and that was today for me. The sun is shining right now and a humming bird just flew past my window...which is odd, considering we don't really have those here... I just have to find the positive when things try and get me down like this morning. I have work tonight and I get to see Hayley, which will be fun because I'll be able to hear about her trip and it'll be extra busy the next two days so that'll be nice...I guess I just wish I could drive over to his house when I get off work and enjoy his company...maybe it'l happen one day...sooner rather than later. 

"It's a little bit funny this feeling inside I'm not one of those who can easily hide I don't have much money but boy if I did I'd buy a big house where we both could live If I was a sculptor, but then again no Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show I now it's not much, but it's the best I can do My gift is my song and this ones for you And you can tell everybody that this is your song It might be quite simple but, now that it's done I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words How wonderful life is now that you're in the world"


God Bless y'all. Hopefully I can stay strong through this.
P.S. Follow me at Ginger_Texan11 on instagram. :)

Tiffany Leigh